Tonight I went Christmas shopping with my boyfriend for his family. This is a new form of stress in my life. Growing up Jewish, I never really worried about holiday shopping. My sister and I would always get my parents the same thing: a pair of earrings for my mother and a conservative tie for my father. But after years of watching my mother return her presents for items she enjoyed more, and my father lacking need for formal work attire, my sister and I stopped this practice.
As a child I used to search for my presents weeks in advance, and in fact I enjoyed the hunt for them more than the actual present itself. I loved to make lists of the gifts and where I found them. This drove my parents crazy and eventually they stopped hiding them in the house. As I grew up and finances tightened, Chanukah was no longer about the presents and when I returned home from college for winter break, anything I got was never wrapped, and never a surprise because I was there to pick it out. Besides, my family was never about big displays. The kind of family Martha Stewart would be disappointed by. So making a big deal about presents was never something I learned.
Two years ago I started spending Christmas with my boyfriend’s family. I was so unprepared. At the time I asked him if I needed to buy gifts for everyone, or just a general present for the family. Being a boy he said “Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to bring anything if you don’t want to. Do what ever you want.” Feeling uneasy about the situation I asked again and again. And always I got the same answer. I had a feeling they were getting some presents for me, and so despite his advice, I got everyone something small. All I can say is, “THANK GOD” I did. When I arrived at his house on Christmas Eve, I was shocked to see not one, not two but three Christmas trees lit up with presents flowing out of each of them. I quickly set my gifts underneath the trees and hurried into the family room. Each person was allowed to open one gift. Uh…my nerves. My boyfriends mother gave me a small box to open. To my relief, the gift was a small pair of soft socks, nothing to big, and I felt calmer. My gifts to the family should be sufficient. The next morning proved me wrong. Sitting in the family room opening gifts I was shocked by the number of Coach bags, UGS, Northface coats, and diamond jewelry. And many of those gifts were going to me.
I have to be honest, I was thrilled with my presents…and if I had not gotten them I would have been disappointed. But, I have to say, it was bittersweet. I felt inadequate in myself for not being able to give the same way his family gave to me. I love his family and I wanted to give to the best of my ability. I know they don’t care, and are happy to receive anything, but I care, and it makes ME feel better. Also, I’m a perfectionist, and despite my upbringing, I pride myself on finding the perfect gift.
So that brings me to today, broke from student loans, credit card debt, and medical school applications fees, frantically looking for something, anything that can serve as a perfect present for a wonderful family. That is what I did today! Although, no success. I’ll keep you updated.
